


Survival Guide of a Wimpy Kid

by Hudstrige1



Category: Diary of a Wimpy Kid Series - Jeff Kinney, Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Gay, High School AU, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, M/M, Sexual Tension, Smut, they're so gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 20:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12218565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hudstrige1/pseuds/Hudstrige1
Summary: Greg Heffley and Ned Bigby are both entering high school.All the craziness that happens, between friends, dating, and reputations, just so happens to bring them closer together.But will they...Survive?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Results may vary.

**Welcome to my all new high school survival guide, by Ned Bigby!  
** I helped myself survive all of middle school with my previous survival guide, and now that I'm in high school, why not repeat the process?!  
I actually really don't have any tips yet, since I literally just got here on my first morning.  
:O uh-oh. Here come the seniors!! Tip #1-avoid the seniors!!!! 

"I'm _serious,_ ass fucker. Don't _come to me unless you're dying_." Senior enrolled Rodrick Heffley demands to his newly freshman brother Greg, pointing to him with his drum stick out in the parking lot in front of his Loded Diper van.  
" _Fuck you_ Rodrick. I don't _want_ people knowing my brother's the drummer in a band named _Loded Diper,_ anyway!" His teen angst is extra fresh this morning.  
" _Too bad!_ People already _know_ who we _are,_ Greg. We're _legends._ "  
"Eh. Twenty One Pilots is better."  
When Rodrick's about to snap his drum stick in half, Greg's BFF Rowley pops up, piping "I think _Greg and I_ are legends!"  
"Well you're _not,_ you fucking furry."  
" _That was one time!_ "  
" _Fuck you_ , Rodrick. By the time Rowley and I graduate, we're gonna _own this place."_ Greg affirms.  
He scoffs. "Good luck with _that_." He points at them with the drum stick again. "Bye fuckers. Try not to get fucked by the football team."  
Rowley cringes.  
"Yo, Rodrick! You coming?!" Bill, his stoner band mate calls out, waving his arm and walking into the school.  
"Isn't that the guy who's been a senior for like six years...?" Rowley asks.  
"So fuckin' what? He hooks me up with _all_ the adderall I _want_. Bye." Rodrick finally leaves.  
"Oh geez..." Rowley panics.  
"I could use some pot," Greg mutters.  
"But Greg, Joshie says that weed destroys the soul and worsens the pores-"  
"Fuck off Rowley." He walks off carelessly.

 **Tip #2: learn that people transition and change when they come from middle school to high school.  
** For real!! My best friend Moze came out as a lesbian in homeroom, and started tongueing a girl on the swim team! Now she's talking about how SHE'S gonna join the swim team! You know, cos she's a lesbian and all. Sometimes I feel like I might be a lesbian. But the boy kind  
-" _Ha!"_ A jock interrupts Ned's lonely writings at lunch.  
"Are you writing in a _diary?!"_  
"What, _no!_ " Ned yells. "Th-that's _gay!_ Does this _look_ like a diary to you?!"  
"Heh okay. 'Cause there was this one kid that went to our middle school who wrote in a diary; man he was such a _faggot."_  
"Hey! That's not very nice!"  
**Tip 3-be nice to other people!** He quickly writes.  
"What'd you say, _faggot?!_ "  
"Nothing...!" Ned claims, shakily writing down **tip 4-don't be a faggot! :(**  
Greg roams the cafeteria with his food filled tray, looking around for Rowley so he won't have to sit by himself like a loser and get bullied. Like that one kid over there with the survival guide in his hand.  
"Rowley!" He cheers, seeing him in the distance, but frowning when he sees a boy with a coconut shaped haircut happily sitting next to him.  
"Hey Rowley..." he slowly approaches them.  
"Oh...Hey Greg," Rowley seems uneasy.  
"Who's this?" He asks, looking at the other boy.  
"This is coconut head."  
"What's your real name?" Greg frowns.  
"I don't know."  
"What?"  
" _No one knows his real name, Greg."_ Rowley grunts.  
"It got lost in translation."  
"Okay, well, can I sit here?"  
"Um, actually Greg-"  
"Hey look! _There he is!"_ The jocks point him out in all smiles. "The diary kid! Get him!"  
" _I don't do that anymore!"_ He shouts, and the jocks run over and start pushing him around.  
"You gonna write about this later today?" He's taunted.  
" _No._ I go to a therapist now!"  
"You can afford professional help?"  
They all laugh, including Coconut Head who's shyly covering his mouth. Rowley says uncomfortably quiet.  
"What the _fuck,_ bro?" Greg snaps. "Rowley...!" He turns for help.  
Ned suspiciously sits up in his seat, crossing his arms and squinting his eyes.  
"Um...Joshie says stand up for yourself..." he weekly excuses, sipping his chocolate milk.  
"Well go and tell _Joshie_ that-"  
"Hey Greg, maybe you should write your suicide note in your whittle diary too," a jock bullies, laughing with the other guys and giving them high fives.  
This time not only does Rowley stay silent, but Greg too.  
But on the inside he's screaming Twenty One Pilots lyrics.  
Ned's had enough, and stands up with his survival guide clenched in his fist.  
" _Hey!_ " He yells, stomping towards the bullies.  
"Got anything _else_ you want to say to him?!"  
"Yeah, fuck yourself" one guy smiles to Greg, and Ned scowls at their laughter.  
"Take _this!_ " He yells, smacking all the bullies down to the floor with his spiral notebook.  
"Oh _shit!"_ Yells Coconut Head.  
"Joshie says not to engage in violence-!"  
Rowley is punched by Ned in the face.  
" _Whoa!_ Thanks man!" Greg thanks Ned in fascination, while the bullies run away.  
"Yeah, Ned. I didn't know you were so tough. Wanna sit with us?" Coconut Head offers.  
"No thanks Coconut Head. I'm gonna sit with my new friend." He smiles at Greg, and Greg genuinely grins back.  
" _Fuck!_ " Rowley grunts, stabbing his grape with a fork as Ned and Greg happily trot away.  
"Didn't Joshie say-?"  
" _Joshie never said shit, Coconut Head_."  
Greg and Ned now joyfully sitting next to each other, Greg offers him a fry.  
"Yeah...Thanks," Ned takes one.  
"Yeah..." Greg grins. "Uh-uh thanks for sticking up for me!"  
"Yeah! No problem...! Uh, if you'll excuse me-" Ned looks down to his notebook.  
**Tip 5-always stick up for people! You'll get french fries!**

 

 


	2. The Heffley's Suck Dick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Greg starts writing in his diary again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chance to turn back. (Actually plz don't I need the reads)  
> I actually somehow have 2 kudos wtf lmfao ayeeee

**September:  
Okay, I know I haven't written in this thing all summer, and I said I was never going to again because it's 'gay' and 'I'm a man now', and 'all I ever did was make myself sound like a sociopath', but I just had to resume because omfg.  
So, high school started today. Yeah yeah, blah blah blah boo boo boo, but my first day actually wasn't too bad.  
Yes Rodrick doesn't want to be seen with me, Rowley stopped being my friend, I got bullied by the jocks, and Holly Hills is still dating Bryce Anderson, BUT, wait for it...  
Ned Bigby from middle school, who I never exactly talked to, stood UP for me, and let me sit with him at lunch!!! He doesn't have a diary, BUT he has this thing called a survival guide, which is supposed to help him through the next 4 years. He says I can learn from it, AND add to it! Yeeeeeee!!!!  
I'm just so flipping excited you know?! A friend. I don't NEED Rowley. All he ever talks about is Joshie anyway. Pretty sure he's gay. (Unlike me, of course.)  
He's hanging out with this kid named Coconut Head, whose haircut makes his head look, well, like a coconut. I'm not surprised that he shouldn't be hanging out with Fregley or something.  
Then again, Fregley's Tourette medication DID get properly sorted.   
I can't wait to see Ned tomorrow. I'm gonna give him more french fries, AND I'm pretty sure I have some tips for his guide!  
1\. Don't deal with FAKE ASS BITCHES (*cough cough* Rowley *cough*)  
2\. Ignore the jocks no matter how much they tell you to die  
3\. Stand up for folks, because THEN amazing friendships can begin, like me & Ned's!!!!!!! <3333333333   
:::DDDDDDDDDDDOOOO**  
Rodrick bursts into the room, and Greg jumps from the sound, hoping that his diary just appears to be a notebook for school.  
" _HA!_ Are you writing in your _diary again?!_ I thought you were OVER that shit," Rodrick smiles, tumbling his drumstick.  
"N-no! This is for-- _school!_ I'm not gay...!" Greg panics, praying the giant word reading 'DIARY' on the front cover isn't noticeable.  
Grinning evilly, Rodrick roughly swipes it up, sending Greg into an extreme panic.  
"What's a _Coconut Head?"_ Rodrick has so far only read one random sentence, and Greg grabs it back.  
"Are you doing _drugs? Without_ me?"  
" _No!_ It's a new kid that _bitch ass_ Rowley hangs out with that looks like a coconut."  
"Sweet. I'll have to beat him up tomorrow. Do you think they deep throat each other?"  
" _I don't know...!"_ Greg blushes.  
"You think Rowley plays with his coconuts?" Rodrick sheepishly smiles.  
" _GET OUT RODRICK!!!"_

In the kitchen of Ned's white trash trailer park home, he innocently walks up to his anonymous faced parents sitting at the table.  
"Dad?"  
"Blahblahblahblah."  
"I have a new friend named Greg Heffley. Do you think that maybe he could come over for dinner sometime?"  
"Blahblahblahblahblah! Blah!" His mother chimes in.  
"But-"  
"Blah!" And that's final.  
He sighs. "Okay, okay. I'll just go over to his place. His family doesn't seem to be as white trash as us."   
"Blahblahblah," his Dad approves, taking a sip of his Blue Ribbon branded beer.

At Greg's not-as-white-trash-house, his usually angry and war obsessed father named Frank, slams down the bowl of mashed potatoes onto the table.   
"Ugh, Rodrick, quit playing your drumsticks at the table," their mother Susan scolds.  
Another hit to the wooded surface, and one of them break in half.  
"Shit," he curses.  
" _DAMMIT RODRICK! I TOLD YOU I'M NOT BUYING ANOTHER PAIR OF FUCKING DRUMSTICKS!!!"_ Frank shouts, only to be flipped off by his son.   
"And no more of that _eyeliner._ Makes you look like a _fag._ "  
Greg blushes in embarrassment.  
"Does it _look like_ I suck dick?" Rodrick sasses.  
"Yes," Mandy, the seven year-old youngest Heffley blurts.  
"Okay maybe Bill's! But just two times! For Adderall! _Jesus_ stop questioning me!" His oldest brother frazzles.  
"But honey you don't have a learning disorder," Susan is puzzled.  
" _YOU DON'T KNOW ME, MOM!!!"  
"_You sure?" Frank asks, and Rodrick grows threatening with the help of his fork.  
"I think _Greg's_ autistic" Manny blurts, and Greg gawks.  
"W-what?? _N-no...!_ "  
"Greg why isn't Rowley here tonight?" She asks him.  
"Jesus _fuck, Mom._ I don't know _everything_ get off my ass."  
"Heh. Hopefully he's hanging a Joshie poster around his neck and dying." Rodrick expresses.  
"Enough. Now how was everyone's day." Susan affirms.  
"Terrible. The army denied my request again." Frank starts.  
"That's too bad, Dad. I WISH you would FUCKING LEAVE, AND _GET YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD RIPPED OFF,"_ says Rodrick.  
" _What?! Tell_ me you guys don't agree," Frank turns to the rest of his family.  
"Eh. You don't like Twenty One Pilots, so..." Greg mutters.  
"Yeah," Manny answers.  
"My new boss _is_ pretty hot," says Susan.  
" _What?_! Have you been sucking his dick????" Frank demands.  
"Goodness, _no!_ Not until after five."  
"Did _I_ suck on dick while I was teething?" Manny wonders, and Frank loses it.  
" _THAT'S IT; GO TO YOUR ROOM!"_  
"Okay..." The little one gets up and leaves.  
"Ugh. You're all such _dildos_ " Rodrick insults, dropping his fork and standing up.  
" _I'm_ gonna go text my boss," Susan complains, leaving with him.  
It's now just Frank and Greg, the teenager doing what he can to talk as little as possible.  
"So Greg..." Frank observes him with white mashed potato liquid dribbling down his chin and out of the corners of his mouth.  
"Have _you_ been sucking any dick...?" He shines his flashlight on him.  
Blinking rapidly and fidgeting in his chair, Greg's dick sweats as it rises up.  
"No..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you survive?  
> (If you want more DOAWK satire, check out my gay Greg fic)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.  
> Comment some shit


End file.
